The Intelligent (and Lazy) Investor

“There are only four types of officer. First, there are the lazy, stupid ones. Leave them alone, they do no harm. Second, there are the hard-working intelligent ones. They make excellent staff officers, ensuring that every detail is properly considered. Third, there are the hard-working, stupid ones. These people are a menace and must be fired at once. They create irrelevant work for everybody. Finally, there are the intelligent lazy ones. They are suited for the highest office.” —General Von Manstein on the German Officer Corps*

“Grill Sergeant” (illustrated by the intelligent and lazy Steve Wasterval)

“Grill Sergeant” (illustrated by the intelligent and lazy Steve Wasterval)

Are you lazy and stupid? Hey little buddy. That’s a good little buddy.

Are you hard-working and intelligent? You will work for an investor, questioning their decisions every step of the way—then you will hand your income to another investor, questioning their decisions every step of the way. (Thank you for your cowardice: there’d be no competing with you otherwise.)

Are you hard-working and stupid? You will constantly fail to question your herd. You will be optimistic and pessimistic at precisely the wrong times. And you will cling for life to your belief that you are always right—even though it’s killing you. (Thanks for your incompetence: you are the main reason why multiplying money will always be a cakewalk for those who can “invert.”)

Are you intelligent and lazy? “Investor” is the highest office and it is tailor-made for you. You consider issues from all angles. You do the work when there’s a point. You can say, without self-loathing, “I don’t know” and “I was wrong.” You understand emotion. And you can stomach calculated risk (because trusting intuition despite incomplete information beats micromanaging minutiae). But you are the Picasso of procrastination because you are the Rembrandt of rationalization. Just stop being a blackbelt in self-sabotage and the world’s your fishbake, baby.

-Cole Hauptfuhrer*

PS: If you want to become “intelligent and lazy” in terms of your own money—positioning yourself to make more by investing as a hobby than you’ll earn in your career—then watch this presentation and fill out this survey; if it’s clear that you are serious, I will take you through the first hour of my workshop, one-on-one, for free. (And if you feel or fear that you aren’t ready, clean up your defense ‘til you are.)

PPS: If you’d prefer to keep doing the same thing, over and over, even though it’s failing you and the people who rely on you and unquestionably jeopardizing your ability to smash the fuck out of your frustrations and live the movie-of-your-future that often highlight-reels in your mind… not a worry little buddy, you’re doing no harm.

*Von Manstein quote pulled from Chapter 13 of The 80/20 Principle by Richard Koch because with my surname it is advisable not to study people who were on the Nazi Dream Team.